Caitee. Phoenix. Twenty
I enjoy baking, crafts, naps, Disneyland, music, being called "princess", pizza, anthropology, and excessive amounts of daydreaming.
Occasional nsfw content.
I had a panic attack at work today and it was terrifying and humiliating.
My boss said something to our team that weren’t even all that offensive but didn’t quite sit right with me.
And suddenly I was crying and shaking so hard I could not catch my breath. And I am so fucking sick of this happening but once it starts I can’t stop.
When she finally caught wind of the incident she pulled me aside to talk. I explained to her what had been going on. And that it wasn’t the first time. We talked a bit and she calmed me down and apologized to me.
Then she called me to her office a second time to check on me and say that it had “gone public” rather fast and that her boss (the president of the phoenix office) will probably want to talk to me to make sure I’m okay. And that she had let a few people (HR) know what had happened “not because she wanted to embarrass me but because she wanted me to feel safe.” Then she gave me a brochure entitled “Life is Challenging” incase I wanted to seek free help.
Sigh. I’m exhausted.
I had a panic attack at work today. It was twrr
Today I went ballistic. It poured rain this morning which resulted in wet roads and heavy traffic. I was running late to work and I had a training class to be at by 8 so when it was 5 til and I was still 10 minutes away I went into panic mode. I called my mom and immediately began crying…heavily. But then frustration turned into EXTREME anger and I was screaming bloody murder on the phone about how I “DON’T EVEN LIKE THIS FUCKING JOB”. And I was banging the steering wheel and going insane. My mom was trying to calm me down through the phone but I was shaking and crying. It felt was miserable.
I’ve been in a constant state of turmoil lately. It’s like I’m always battling myself. I feel anger and aggression and I try so hard to surpress it but when it comes to the surface I go nuts. Today someone gave me a look that I was unhappy with and I said she was “a fucking cunt who is going to burn in hell.” And I say these things with such hatred in my heart that I actually scare myself. I get shaky and I heat up. I clinch my fist. I get so angry that I feel physically and mentally exhausted. And all it takes is “a look” or someone saying something in an “offensive” tone.
I try very hard to present myself a certain way to the outside world. Childlike, quirky, kind to everyone. I try very hard to come off as careless and funny. I surround myself with pink and glitter and childrens toys. I even wear the very sweetest purfumes i can find so people associate me with sugar. I do all of it in an attempt to be precieved a certain way. I want people to think of me and be happy, i want them to think of cupcakes and teddy bears and puppies. I call this my “June Cleaver persona”. But inside I feel like I am fighting a battle with that person. Because inside it feels like there is a very small, angry child who screams and throws tantrums and sleeps to avoid reality. She wrings her hands together and has to hold back tears when she is anxious. She cannot control a single emotion. The smallest upsets turn into huge ordeals in her head. It’s like a fucking circus.
My stomach is in knots. I am exhausted.
Wake me up when this shit storm passes.